Panic

Back in November, I wrote about a massive panic attack I had when going out with some new friends shortly after moving to Butte. I don’t have them very often – but when I do, they can be really debilitating.

Yesterday evening, after the peace of painting and daubing, I came home to find another one blossoming out in full force. The past 24 hours I’d had two separate experiences that, in retrospect, I realized brought on small shocks to my system and the combination moved my body into a state of fear.

I know I’ve talked about this before – being the experiencer as well as the witness to the experience. And so I could watch it develop over the day and find it interesting … and I could experience it develop over the day and feel the rising panic of not being able to control it.

Once, I woke in the midst of a surgery – they hadn’t given me enough of the knock ‘em out stuff – and since I was intubated, I wasn’t able to mention to them that I was awake, aware, listening (hearing someone say “oh god oh god, call Dr. so and so” is less than heartening), and as I lay there, I thought “this would be so interesting if it weren’t me”. That’s what a panic attack can be like for me.

I was fascinated by the way the mind follows the body which I know must somehow be following the mind. The first shock left me deceptively quiet in body and thoughtful in mind. People often forget the third in the acute strees triad – mostly they refer to fight or flight – but the third is to freeze and become super vigilant. That’s generally my preferred response. I pretend its very zen of me. People often fall for it.

The second shock threw me into the desire for flight … and I found that I was shaking, couldn’t breathe, etc etc. Fortunately I was in a place where I could move into a quiet area, with friends nearby, and allow it to subside. But .. the triggers had been pulled and my body followed the pattern that had already been laid out and led me step by step to the full blown panic attack once my day was over and my outer responsibilities were done.

I wrote a friend last night, after it had subsided, that I am realizing how important it is for me to be more in charge of my responses to situations. I’ve found myself more vulnerable recently to emotional patterns from my past intruding into my present. This time, so poignant and potent with possibility does leave me vulnerable at times. I was talking with a dear friend this morning about how surreal this all seems sometimes. Mostly, its in a good way. But sometimes … its disconcerting.

I want to move into the understanding that experiences that are initially shocking can be defused pretty quickly and that the pattern can be relaid, like shifting the tiles on the floor to something more pleasing. It might take some work – but I think its worth the effort.

I ended by telling my friend that I want to walk through my days with balance and self-love and that everyone else can take care of themselves for the time being. She wrote back to suggest that maybe everyone else can take care of themselves for always. Hmmm … a new pattern?