Facets

This evening, like most evenings, I drove over to the rail trail by Tech around sunset and took a long walk down the path. Each evening I’ve gone a bit further as I feel better and stronger. I stop often and stand in awe of the true grandeur of the world that surrounds me. I have not yet learned how to describe the sky, the cloudscapes of fiery red in the west and deep pastel blues and purples in the east, the way the moon rises through bars of clouds, exposing and the covering herself again and again, in the pursuit of her lover, the sun.

The walk down is the time when all the thoughts crowding in my mind begin to desert me, one by one, as I immerse myself in the light, in the wind, as my feet meet the earth over and over again. Each evening there comes a moment when suddenly, for a moment, I am clear and empty and entirely satisfied. And that’s the moment when I turn to make my way back up the hill.

Full of possibility, fresh, my mind can reach a bit further to consider things in a new way, from a new perspective. Its a time of great delight, most evenings, and a time I’ve come to treasure.

Yesterday, I realized that I’d been working my way toward a massive bad hair day. Every morning I’d wake, shower, dry my hair and become just a bit more frustrated. And this morning, I realized that if Jackie didn’t have time for me … today … I was probably gonna shave it all off. No joke.

Fortunately, she did. So, I’m back to my short short summer cut. Easy to deal with in all the wind, in the heat that I imagine will emerge over the next weeks, and truly low maintenance. It’s a good cut – but I don’t like it anymore. What I wish for is to have hair like those dolls when I was a kid – if you pushed one button you could slowly but surely pull the hair to its full length – and another button would somehow bring it to a sweet short style.

What I really want is long long long hair down to my ass. What I keep going for is short shorter shorter hair that doesn’t even brush my collar. I’m not sure how to reconcile it – other than a massive lack of patience. Maybe I’ll care less when I’m in school and will just let it grow out over the two years.

It was funny talking with people about my hair today. One friend asked me if this was a woman’s mid life crisis – like when men get big red sports cars. I can’t believe he’d been married – didn’t he know this was a monthly situation? Another friend was shocked that I even considered shaving it off. He couldn’t wrap his head around me doing something so drastic.

It’s funny how people like to put you in a little safe box. Emma is like x, or y, or z. She’s calm and sweet. No… she’s organized and helpful. No… she’s a good writer. No … she’s a great listener. No .. she’s sarcastic. No … she’s … whatever. As if one facet precludes all the others. As if being x means you can’t be y. Doesn’t make sense to me.

I love seeing new aspects of friends revealed as time moves on. I love the richness of color and texture that develops. When a person holds just one note … they’re boring. When they unfold their complexity – ah, that’s when it gets interesting. I don’t want to be seen in just one light. I know myself in so many different ways – and its been a long, strange, trip to allow each of those aspects to become something that I treasure about myself. Sometimes I love being calm and sweet. Sometimes I like the sarcasm and dark humor to lead the way. Sometimes I am sorrowful and weepy. Sometimes I am so full of joy that it feels like it is spilling out of me.

And what I know is that we’re all like that … in potential. But when we choose not to look at all the aspects, when we choose to show only one side – like the moon – then everything is a little bit cheapened. Or a lot.