Silence

I’ve been re-reading Deena Matzger’s Writing for Your Life. Her writing is powerful, and it reaches in and grabs me in the darker places of myself. She asks me to consider looking at experiences and thoughts within me that I don’t want to visit … or re-visit. I’ve never been able to finish any of her novels – they bring out too much pain in me. Her book Entering the Ghost River on her experiences in Africa was beautiful and inspiring to me. And this book – it’s a challenge that I pick up a few times each year, explore a little further, and then step away for a time into more light.

Today I read about Silence. The Silence that is imposed from outside ourselves, and the Silence that is imposed from within. The poem that I wrote about Noah’s Wife and read at the Poetry Palooza back in February starts with a quote from Muriel Rukyser “Pay attention to what they tell you to forget.“

Deena asks us to take it further … pay attention to what they demand you do not say. What is forbidden? Taboo? What must never be said and who must it never be said to. How many ways are you silenced in a day – by others .. by yourself? How often are you aware of that silencing? And what happens as the unspoken, unwritten, unacknowledged words and experiences build?

There are many things I will never write about on this blog. They’re inappropriate. They shouldn’t be seen. Not by those who read these words. Some words are too tender, too precious to be held out to the bright light of this public place. These words flourish in moonlight, starlight, in the safe places of personal correspondence, personal conversations, and sometimes in personal journals. Other words are too harsh – they lash out bitterly and cause unnecessary pain. They can be written, but should never be shared. I know from experience – being both the giver and receiver – that those words will linger down through the years to cause more pain than a single moment calls for.

I understand writing as healing … and in my private writing, I often will do so. I’m not sure how healing it is to visit .. and revisit .. and revisit the dark times. Truly .. I’m just not sure. I think that when I see the past interfering in the present is when I choose to go back and find some kind of peace and/or closure with whatever experience is still casting its shadow over me.

And, I find that the sooner I can write about an experience, and share it with someone I trust, the sooner it loses its power over me, and the sooner I find insights, and ways to resolve the pain, anger, hurt, sorrow, etc that it might bring up.

In a section about A Safe Place, Deena writes:

“If we can bear to keep our work private until it is really finished, we may find that we are actually seeking intimacy with ourselves. Without that primary relationship, intimacy with others is always disappointing.”

I’m also finding that the intimacy that I’ve developed with myself through my writing, through breaking through the silences that I’ve imposed on myself for so many years, has raised my standards on intimacy with others. I’m not willing to settle for shallow, superficial, and ultimately unsatisfying relationships with others. I look for, and find, those who have found an intimacy within themselves, and depth of understanding, and a willingness to let go of the silences in order to share themselves. What a joy that is.