Forgiveness

This afternoon, as I drove up to campus for a meeting in the -6 degree temps, I wondered why I had chosen Montana rather than Hawaii … I hear that Hawaii is truly lovely – gorgeous plants and flowers and people – and I could wear a sarong every day instead of 4 layers of clothing plus a coat and still feel the piercing cold.

Probably it was bugs … I’m sure that Hawaii has lots of really creepy insects – and I don’t like bugs .. at all.  So, all in all, I forgive myself for choosing Montana – home of my heart – over Hawaii and sarongs.

There has been a little flurry of situations around me – not my own for the most part, but people who are close to me in some way or another – and I look for the common theme in them.  I think it’s forgiveness.

When Stephen died he was diving with two friends.  They had lost track of him in the murky New England ocean waters – I remember what that was like.  By the time they found him, he was already dead.  One friend I trusted entirely – the other … I never had a good feeling about him in terms of being a responsible diver.  I had asked Stephen a few times not to dive with this guy, but Stephen trusted him.

After the initial shock had passed, I thought about suing the friends for his death.  I wanted someone to blame for this accident.  I wanted someone to take the resonsibility for his death.  I was young, only 25, but already I knew that suing these two men would bring nothing but pain to us all.  They already would have to live with their own personal demons – I could not, in integrity, add to it for them … or for me.

It took me a long time to forgive them.  It took a longer time to forgive myself.  I know that the fact that there was no reason for the death – the coroner could find nothing – compounded the issue.  We want a reason.  We want to understand.  Why?

Forgiveness doesn’t mean just saying the words “I forgive you”.  It doesn’t mean a grudging turning away from the situation and saying, “Whatever.  I forgive you”.  It doesn’t mean ignoring it for a lifetime allowing the anger and grief to fester under the surface to erupt out at inappropriate moments.  It doesn’t mean adopting a facade of non-attachment while holding your demons down until you’re too tired and they pop out to make trouble.  Nope.

Forgiveness means embracing the other … in your heart, if not in reality.  It means that you see their full humanity … their frailties and their strengths … that you see them as you see yourself .. fully human, fully fallable, fully lovable – all at the same time.  It’s not an easy stance to take – and sometimes we lose our balance.

Over the past few days, I’ve seen some beautiful moments of forgiveness after the death of our friend.  He left quite a legacy in his life, and now, in his death.  I hope the ripples move outward to heal many others in our community.