Let it go

Outside my south-facing window, the sky is softly glorious in the pastels of a cold, late-spring sunset … outside my east-facing window, the clouds have settled atop the East Ridge, hiding the rising full moon, for the moment. I trust that she will shine out as the evening passes into night.

This is a time of night that I’m usually out on ‘my’ trail, witnessing the rhythms and cycles of this beautiful world with the fresh air flowing past me, but, I’m not. I’m snug inside my little apartment for the first time in … well … it feels like forever. My new musical love – Harry Manx – is playing quietly … Don’t Forget to Miss Me, Coat of Mail, and Baby Please Don’t Go … raga blues.

The past two weeks, and more, have flown by me – passing in a stiff wind of busy-ness. I remember writing here back in March something to the effect that I could do anything for two months … I was talking about the responsibilities I had taken on myself with school, work, foundation, etc. It was true – I could do … and I did.

I talked to a fellow student yesterday, complaining just a little bit, and she said that the past years she spent in grad school while working a full-time job and pursuing her own interests in art and music were “hard … really hard … maybe the hardest thing she’s ever done”.  She’s never given birth, nor raised or child. That was hard .. really hard. This comes in with a close second. She is right.

My life … my choices … they have taken up all my attention. All of it. I’m not complaining (much) – I have enjoyed it for the most part. I have learned and grown. Grown a little softer in some ways – and harder in others. Certainly, I’m much more aware of things I’ve never had to pay attention to – though I admit to an ongoing naivete. Alas. It’s something that I’ll probably carry with me down through the rest of my years.

There are friends out celebrating tonight. The semester is over and many of them graduate tomorrow. I wish I was out with them … I’d like to celebrate my accomplishments and theirs, but I’m completely exhausted. Since I got home from work this afternoon, I can barely keep my eyes open for more than a few minutes.

It’s amazing what you can do when it’s necessary. Up early in the morning and go.. go.. going ’til late, late at night. Not once have I felt as tired as I have this evening. But, now I have permission – from myself – to relax and rest. When I realized I was too tired to knit – I laughed and lay down on the couch, and listened to the music that flowed by on Pandora radio. I let it all go.

I’m not entirely done with my semester, there’s one more assignment I’d like to get done this weekend. But, if I still need to rest – I will. I can. I can let it all go and open myself up to what’s coming next.